- “I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
- “If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
- “Be happy. It drives people crazy.”
- “My alone time is sometimes for your safety.”
- “Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.”
- “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”
- “Some people really suck. Avoid them.”
- “Life’s good, you should get one.”
- “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
- “Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
- “Apparently rock bottom has a basement.”
- “I wish more people were fluent in silence.”
- “I’m not a hot mess. I’m a spicy disaster.”
- “Well that escalated quickly – our family motto.”
- “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” — Oliver Hardy
- “Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
- “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”— Mitch Hedberg.
- “Being part of a family means smiling for photos.”— Harry Morgan.
- “Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
- “We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.” —Samuel Beckett.
- “We get married to have an ally against our family.” — Jonathan Tropper.
- “The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” —Wayne H.
- “Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
- “What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.” ― Fred Allen
- “All generalizations are false, including this one.”—Mark Twain
- “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
- “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
- “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
- “I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal from time to time.”
- “It’s amazing how clean my house can get when I’m pissed off.”
- “Yeah, I’m a pacifist. I’m about to pass a fist across your face.”
- “The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.”
- “There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” —Will Rogers
- “There’s someone for everyone and that person for you is a psychiatrist.”
- “If someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ Simply reply, ‘Yes.’ Boom. End of discussion.”
- “The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.” ― Joseph Stilwell
- “Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”
- “Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.” — David Frost.
- “If you ran as much as your mouth did you’d be in good shape” — Anonymous.
- “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”— Billy Wilder.
- “Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said.”— Anonymous.
- “I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”
- “I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”— Jeff Lindsay.
- “It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.” ― Paul Newman
- “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
- “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” –Henny Youngman
- “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
- “Whenever I go running, I meet new people… like paramedics.”
- “I’m actually not funny, I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.”
- “I need to teach my facial expressions how to use inside their voice.”
- “Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning.”
- “The whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.”
- “My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
- “We all know someone who speaks fluent crap.”
- “Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
- “Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.”
- “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
- “When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.'”
- “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.” – Oscar Wilde
- “My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.”
- “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” — Robin Williams
- “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx
- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
- “I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment.”
- “It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.”
- “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” —Sacha Guitry
- “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” – Unknown
- “Didn’t sleep much but I did get a solid few hours of worrying done.”
- “Autocorrect still thinks I want to say ‘duck’ times a day.”
- “Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them.”
- “Never mistake my silence for weakness. Nobody plans a murder out loud.”
- “I don’t keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business.”
- “Sweating while you shop counts as exercise.”
- “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
- “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
- “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
- “Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
- “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.”
- “Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.”
- “If they act like they can live without you… Help them do it.”
- “Don’t be humble… you’re not that great.” – Golda Meir
- “My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not.”
- “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on this planet.”
- “No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.”
- “I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.”
- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” —Samuel Butler
- “After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF.”
- “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” —Anthony Burgess
- “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” — Natalie Wood
- “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms
- “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
- “I found your nose. It was in my business.”
- “Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?” – Unknown
- “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Unknown
- “Keep rolling your eyes, you might just find a brain back there.”— Anonymous.
- “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.”— Anonymous.
- “Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.”
- “What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?”—Anonymous.
- “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.”—Gore Vidal.
- “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
- “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
- “Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord.”
- “People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.”
- “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
- “People need to start appreciating the effort I put in to not be a serial killer.”
- “Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.”
- “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” — Joey Adams
- “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”—Margaret Mead
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.” – Unknown
- “Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.” ― Jack London
- “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”— Phyllis Diller.
- “It’s an easy tool this world- just pretend like you know everything.”—Anonymous.
- “I went to the general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”—Steven Wright.
- “Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.”-—Jerry Seinfeld.
- “I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.” —Anonymous
- “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
- “You cannot choose your family but you can choose to ignore their phone calls.”—Anonymous.
- “The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.”—Jean Kerr.
- “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” —Buddy Hackett.
- “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
- “If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”
- “If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
- “The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” — Erma Bombeck
- “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”— Anonymous.
- “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” —James Thurber
- “For Halloween, I’m going to be emotionally stable. No one is going to know it’s me.”
- “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” —Stephen Colbert
- “People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.”
- “If you want to call a family meeting – turn off the Wi-Fi and sit in the room where it is located.”
- “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx
- “If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up your ego and jump to your IQ.”—Anonymous.
- “I am not sure if I am actually free or I just keep forgetting my to-do’s.”—Anonymous.
- “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”— Rodney Dangerfield.
- “I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”—Mary Karr.
- “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.” —Robin Williams, Actor
- “All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”—Anonymous.
- “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
- “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” —Cecilia Egan
- “I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.” —Oscar Wilde
- “I believe in rules. Sure, I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” —Leo Durocher
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “One of the things that bind us as a family is a shared sense of humor.”— Anonymous.*
- “Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.” — Douglas Adams.
- “They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”— Clint Eastwood.
- “In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”— Erma Bombeck.
- “Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.” ― Oscar Wilde
- “It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.” —Anonymous
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
- “Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”—Martin Mull.
- “All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” — Erma Bombeck.
- “The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.”
- “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. “— Will Rogers.
- “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”— Jerry Seinfeld.
- “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” — William James
- “Never let an angry sister comb your hair.” — Patricia McCann.
- “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’” – Unknown
- “There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” — Benjamin Spock
- “Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?” – Unknown
- “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Unknown
- “At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
- “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” – Mahmoud Darwish
- “A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” –Joey Adams
- “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” — Sir Winston Churchill
- “If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.”— Anonymous
- “I became insane with long periods intervals of horrible sanity.”— Edgar Allen Poe, Writer
- “Jiu-Jitsu because choking people is illegal.”— Anonymous
- “You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.” —Robin Williams, Actor
- “Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I’d be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.”
- “There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing in a And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.”
- “This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.” —Lorrie Moore
- “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
- “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” — Patrick Murray
- “To maintain a joyful family requires each member of the family to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.” — Pope John Paul II
- “When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in peoples’ eyes.”
- “A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.” – Lawrence G. Lovasik
- “Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.” – Unknown
- “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” ― Abba Eban
- “Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.”— Anonymous.*
- “We still lend our old house out to our relatives. They keep a guest book for my fans to sign.”—Anonymous.
- “I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.” — Anthony Anderson.
- “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”— Yogi Berra.
- “He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
- “Right before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.”
- “If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
- “I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” –Groucho Marx
- “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” — Max Kauffmann
- “They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!!” – Unknown
- “If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that ‘Members not Present’ and ‘Subjects Discussed’ were one and the same. “—Robert Brault.
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
- “What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley
- “He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.” ― Eddie Cantor
- “Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon ’em.” — Emilie Autumn
- “I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘good morning’ Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.”— Anonymous.
- “In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry’.”— Margaret Laurence.
- “Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”—Jim Bishop.
- “I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”— Ugo Betti.
- “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?”— Kin Hubbard.
